Now I know why people tend to spill their guts out in online journals. Cause I am going to spill mine.

I am so tired.
I am tired of pretending to be something I am not in the hopes I will get what I desperately need. And I need it like air.

I am lonely I have not a single friend of my own. I know people say that all the time but for me it is true just two days ago the man I promised to love forever told me so. He wasn't trying to be mean he just said it in passing as if commenting on the weather. It didn't hurt it just sort of crushed me. It brought it home that the loneleness I feel is visable to everyone.

I have committed myself to a man without passion. I have no fear that he is cheating and I don't think it is that he just doesn't want me. He is almost asexual in a sense. And I need it everyday. But I get is about once a month.

I know this is too much imformation but it is a big part of who I am and that part is dying. I need love and to be close at least once a day to feel connected. And I am not connected to anything. It is scary knowing that I am getting older and the chances of ever feeling alive are narrowing down to zero. second by second.

I bet you are wondering why is this person telling all of this to faceless internet people. Because no one reads this page. I can't talk to my family because they never really approved of my moving two states away for a man. I just needed to get it out because I am tired of pretending my future is so bright and I am so happy and I it is ok to roll over and go to sleep even when I am unsatisfied.

If I am going to be lonely and have no friends it will be on my terms and because I am some one who deserves to be alone. I am tired and I can't pretend anymore